Why Comparing Ourselves to Others is a Toxic Habit
Comparison has some wonderful elements, such as recognising that someone has a lot less than us and being moved by compassion to help them. But there is a darker, more toxic side to comparison that has been nurtured and evolved in the modern world. I’m talking about the misguided view that because we perceive others to have a better life situation, that they must be happier and more fulfilled.
Often, we’re not even thinking about their supposed happiness, we are actually thinking about our own sense of lack. This can only lead us to feel ungrateful for everything we already have. Often, comparison just leaves us wanting and craving. In Buddhism, this is depicted as being a ‘hungry ghost’, with an image of a person with a big fat belly but with a mouth so tiny they can never be satisfied.
Without noticing, we all often unconsciously compare ourselves to others all the time, leaving us feeling either inferior or superior. It’s a habit that can make us feel quite ill at ease underneath it all. At best, it gives us a very momentary sense of satisfaction and at worst, leaves us yearning for that bit more. That ‘bit more’ will never end as far as the ego is concerned, as we gain only temporary satisfaction from every new toy.
Also, assuming that others are happier than us is just that, an assumption, which is basically just a thought created in our own mind, a little fantasy with no basis in reality. We can never fully know what is going on in anyone else’s life. A lot of times, those with more often need more, a cycle which never ends, constantly desiring and never at peace with what is. Having more is not a basis for fulfilment. Just ask the millionaires of the world who aren’t at ease in themselves and who spend large amounts of their time paranoid that their amount is decreasing, while also scrambling for more. It almost seems like a bit of a sickness but something we all suffer from in varying degrees.
What is comparison? Judging ourselves and our situation against others and coming out feeling worse or better about ourselves? Does that help in any way? Not really. How could it. Why would we even do that to ourselves? It makes no sense and serves no purpose. We can so easily spend our lives comparing ourselves to others and then jumping into action fuelled by a sense of not having enough, literally the opposite of gratitude for life, which is raw sustenance for the survival of the heavier layers of ego. Where there is gratitude, there is love. Where there is love, there is peace. Peace is always enough.
Of course we all have basic needs such as a safe shelter, food, water, community, etc. but it’s the additional desires that are not necessary for our survival I am predominantly writing about. Comparing ourselves and then constantly chasing material desires is a prime recipe for taking us further away from the present moment, in which everything is actually fine, if those basic needs are met.
We can actually live like that if we stop all the nonsense comparisons, which in the end are nothing other than creations in our imagination. Don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful to create and achieve and manifest. What an incredible gift of the human mind. But when comparison, jealousy and basic greediness creep into our being which can happen to us all at times (we are human…), keeping us in constant competition for more, where is the space for true appreciation and ease within ourselves. It’s almost like comparison leads to the opposite of gratitude. That doesn’t sound like a road leading to a good place for any of us.
People chasing fame, over-significance and egoic recognition compare their lives to the lives of celebrities, people of influence and people of power, leaving them feeling unfulfilled, insignificant and giving them the warped idea that they are living mundane lives. How could life ever be mundane? The majority of us can experience the following … We have eyes to see the whole world. We can create anything we want. Our breath is working for us 24/7 without us even having to do anything. What a gift. We have the ability to travel, explore, fall in love. We have ears to hear music, taste buds to eat, our senses are open and incredibly alive. Even if we just have that, we have a lot.
We need to wake up from the delusion that others have it better than us. Ending comparison is a very good way to begin and that begins with catching the thought before it takes a hold of you. When a thought based on comparison comes into your mind do your utmost to become aware of it in the moment and release it. Even if you catch it hours later, that is great. You are cultivating awareness of our thoughts which is powerful. Keep doing it, and you will catch the comparison thought faster. When it happens (and it happens us all) let that thought go and instead replace that thought by naming 3 things you are grateful for. As you name the things you are grateful for, feel the feeling of gratitude swell in your body. You could name 20 things if it helps generate an authentic feeling of gratitude and it could be anything from tea and toast to your children, your job, your home, a warm shower, the sea, warm clothes etc. It’s a powerful exercise if you can get the hang of it, and simple to practice.
It gives us recognition of our precious life, with all its beauty and all of its supposed flaws, with all of its ecstatic moments and its equally captivating moments of tender sadness, pain or heartbreak. Our capacity to feel is quite remarkable, astonishing really, if we are willing to open our eyes and see the wonder of what we have and cannot lose. No one can take that away from you. You can never lose it and you never didn’t have it. Love to everyone.